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Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about listening. Remember in the last episode #182, we talked about speaking especially with an emphasis on speaking gently.  So it would only be logical to talk about listening next.  Ever heard of the saying, “we have two ears and only one mouth for a reason”? Well it probably means then that we should practice listening twice as much as we speak.  This is easier said than done because it is human nature to want to talk about ourselves for various reasons. True listening is hard work especially in the times in which we live. Distractions are everywhere especially at the tips of our fingers with the phone you might listening to this podcast with.  We can often hear something, but we don’t always listen. Hearing according to the dictionary is “the process of perceiving a sound” while listening is “hearing with thoughtful attention.”  We are going to focus mostly today on listening especially active listening. This is much different than passive listening.  Passive listening is more like just what we talked about a minute ago where we are listening with attention but maybe not much else. Active listening takes it even further. Active listening is more about focusing on the speaker, understanding the message they are conveying and responding with thoughtfulness.  I’ve also heard it said they active listening is focusing on the speaker and message with all your senses. This means taking in with what you hear, see, and maybe even with tasting, smelling, and touching.  So now that we know a bit more about active listening. Let’s talk about some helpful tips that will help you focus more on the message and to help the speaker also feel really genuinely listened to. Reduce or Eliminate Distractions. These distractions could be physical things in the environment or they could be mental such as lingering thoughts about a bad day at work.  Repeat back what you heard. This is probably the best way to show the other person that you are really working to understand.  It can also help conversations slow down.  Be flexible as you repeat back. This might mean you say something like, “so I what I think I heard” or “did you say” or “help me understand if this is what you said.”  This gives the speaker the ability to elaborate or correct what you were receiving.  Often though we can be very rigid and say something like “you said …” giving the speaker not much chance to easily explain.  It often instead invites the conversation to escalate.  Keep the focus on the speaker. Work hard not to pull the conversation back to yourself.  Get curious and keep asking the speaker to continue to unfold the issue for you.  I know, I know this one comes up with everything we do hear on the podcast it seems.  But it really is important, because when we start getting upset we no longer really listen.  Work to point out something you agree with (even if small) especially if the conversation is about something upsetting to the speaker that you may have done. Don’t try to solve the issue. Just continue to reflect back and offer support.  Of course if your partner is asking for a solution then by all means try to help.  But often this is not what your partner is looking for.  Finally ask your partner if they felt heard and understood and then if you got what they were saying. There are all kinds of other ways to show that you are actively listening. What ways work for you and your partner? Resources: Brian’s Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.