lystn

In this episode, we discuss what it feels like when you come to the realization that your parents have been abusive (whether they meant to be or not). For me, it was like the death of hope. I read this term in an article one day and it hit the nail on the head.  For a long time, I kept going back to my parents in the hope that they would be well, that they would treat me well. That they would love and treat me the way that I deserved and wanted. I questioned my own actions, I felt guilty, but most of all I longed for them to be the people that they portrayed to the outside world.  Skipping between the Line of hope and realization. Imagine a line. On one side, it is the absolute realization that your parent(s) ar abusive and are incapable of treating you well. On the other side is the hope that they will be the parents you need and want. The parents they promise, the parents that they act to be to the outside world. For a long time, i walked with one foot on either side. Because standing on the side of realization meant giving up any hope that I would have the parents that I wanted.   Coming to that ABSOLUTE realization and standing with both feet on that side of the line took a long time to get too. I kept playing and toying with the idea that they could change. It was hard to get there and once I was there, it hurt. The normal cycle of grief that doesn't feel very normal I went through a grieving process, not unlike grieving the loss of any loved one. Except I grieved the loss of the parents I never had but always wanted.  I went through sadness. I was frustrated at myself for putting up with it for so long, I was frustrated that they could not be anything other than who they were. I questioned myself, I questioned if my feelings were right and the part that I had played.  I got angry and upset. I had to let go of the fantasy of happy family life with my extended family and realize that other people did not have the same view of my parents because they treated them well.  And then, after some time, I became numb. Sometimes I went back to feeling anger and hurt, but over time, I went for long periods where I was not frustrated or hurt. Longer times of non-effect when I thought about it. Eventually, the thought of my parents had no real impact on my emotions because I had begun to create a vision and realization of a much happier life without them and their army in it.  Struggling with Negative Emotions I could not truly go through this process and get to this space until I had let myself feel and experience the full range of 'negative emotions'. I had been taught that feeling angry made you a bit crazy and being sad was embarrassing. I had felt ashamed to speak of my experience and show these emotions in front of people.  The positive scale emotions like joy and love are much easier because they feel better. Once I rewired my brain to realize that the negative scale emotions were just that, emotions, they just felt different in my body and my body needed to feel them in order to cleanse and move forward. I let myself go through them. It was not easy. Somedays I thought I was okay and then the feelings would come back harder than before and I had to let them naturally be with me and go through me.  And now, This is my new normal. I don't long or hope for them to be something different anymore. I don't wish that they were around anymore. Life is much better this way. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/truthcampaign/message