How to Talk to Men: Simple Shifts That Help You Be Seen, Heard, and Valued With Krister Ungerböck
Marni welcomes the Wall Street Journal bestselling author of Battle-tested CEO Krister Ungerböck to the podcast to discuss a communication framework that can save relationships at work and home. Krister shares simple verbal shifts that can transform conversations, reduce conflict, and create intimacy within your relationships.
Key takeaways from this episode:
- Ask questions without making people defensive
- Create safety in a relationship
- What makes words so powerful
- Bring awareness to a relationship issue in a playful way
What is TalkShift? [4:03]
TalkShift is a communication framework Krister developed after watching many of his business and personal relationships fall apart. Two weeks after stepping down from his position as CEO, his wife walked out on him. He thought he was a good leader but later realized no one wanted to be in a relationship with him.
We don't need to change people, we just need to change our words
Krister describes what makes language powerful and how to use the question words, how and why to ask a question without making the other person defensive. He advises using a scale to understand the true depth of a person’s feelings.
Solve Problems in a Playful Way [17:23]
Research shows that men tend to thrive upon the approval and encouragement from their female partners. This means when a woman criticizes or doesn't offer encouragement to a man, it feels as if he is taking an emotional hit.
Women tend to leave a relationship twice as frequently as men.
Marni and Krister both openly share a personal experience about a communication gap in their current relationships. In both instances, an unintentional repetitive pattern plays out during conversations. Krister says by bringing the habit into awareness and giving it a name, the issue can be resolved in a playful way without causing resentment or anger.
A subtle, non-intentional repetitive manner of communication can erode a relationship, or someone's self-esteem in a relationship.
Creating Intimacy From Conflict [30:35]
Krister points out that whenever we find ourselves angry there is always an underlying driver. There are four underlying feelings, being afraid, ashamed, guilty, or sad. A key to dissolving anger is to ask yourself what is behind your anger. Then choose one of the four underlying feelings. This will help to get to the root cause of an issue and allow us the freedom to discuss what is truly bothering us.
We all have triggers. Knowing our partners triggers makes it easier to give them a pass. When our partner is triggered don’t expect to have a deep conversation right away. Let the moment pass and then have deeper conversations about what sets each other off when the situation has passed.
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