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Thanks for the invite. Who’s coming?

When we receive an invite to an all gay event, what’s the first thing we do?

Sure, we look at the theme of the party, the location, the date, but those are usually secondary considerations to the big question, “who’s going?”

This is really a multiprong question: Will I feel comfortable with these guys? Is there anyone there I’d like to to date or fuck? Will anyone there want to date or fuck me? Will these guys bore me to death?

Basically, am I physically and intellectually attracted to the guys who are going, and will they have a hankering for what I have to offer?

The current political consensus of our people demands inclusiveness. As I understand the edict, nothing should prevent us from inviting every type of human expression (body shape/size, sex, gender identity, ability, color, or socioeconomic background) to our event.

That’s “inclusive,” and it’s the right thing to do. Right?

Is that what you’re thinking as you scroll the invite list? I’m guessing it’s not your highest priority.

Are we already breaking the rules by just inviting gay men? Of course we are. And, of course, we’ll keep doing it.

Because that’s how diversity works, we can’t have cultural diversity if we don’t have a diversity of cultures.

Gay male culture is defined by our same sex attraction for one another. Yes, we share many other common interests, like show tunes, but no attribute is as universal as our same sex attraction. That aspect is intrinsic to our gay get-togethers. It’s often the centerpiece, whether overtly recognized or not.

This causes a conundrum for those who want to create an affinity group (exclusive space) and your friend group is a mixed crowd, many of whom will not qualify, when one of the aims of the gathering is to provide space for erotic connections.

This creates an awkward challenge as I continue my experiment of finding heart-centered connection instead of churning through meaningless sexual encounters.

Meaningless sex is a simple endeavor: We both decide if we want what the other guy has. We both give and take. Done. Goodbye forever.

Heart-centered connections that include an erotic overlay are vastly more complicated, mainly because we genuinely want the best for guys we care about and don’t want to add any negative baggage to the often heavy psychic load many of us are already carrying.

“You’re not invited,” or “Thank you, but I don’t want to dance with you,” creates tension.

Before I move on, let me be clear that there are all kinds of other “gay” events (that are usually not all gay men) where this is completely a non-issue. Events like banquette fundraisers, which are a whole culture themselves, where your donation is your most attractive feature; gay sports teams, where your athletic ability is the premium feature; and political clubs, where your connections, ability to mesmerize a room, and access to cash make you politically attractive.

When a gay event also includes the possibility of erotic connection, the politically correct mantra of everyone, everywhere, all the time, or else you're a scumbag bigot, wears thin.

A problem with the “everyone is equally beautiful” mantra is that it is simply not true. Physical beauty is determined by millions of years of evolution, and a fat dollop of conditioning received via social media. You may want Ryan Gosling to want you back (I know I do), but giving him all your attention deprives you of the opportunities available to you with other guys–the guys who are aesthetically similar to you.

Another hard reality is to be realistic about whom you have access to on a physical level. “LA is a city of 10s looking for an 11,” was a line in an old gay movie called Latter Days that still rings true. All those 10s are wasting time.

Anyway, for those of you planning or attending sexually social events, here are a couple of ideas you can try out to make the gatherings more fulfilling.

* Admit that private affinity groups exist and honor people’s decision to have them. This means finding it in your heart to cheer them on for taking the risk and making an effort to create such a group, even when you are not invited. There is a sex party in LA that only allows men under 40. I don’t qualify, but I remember when I was under 40, I would have LOVED such a party. So good on them.

* Learn how to say “no” and hear “no” with grace. These boundary-setting techniques are something most of us were never taught. I know I had to learn them the hard way after years of having sex with guys just to be nice. Now, as my beauty recedes like the tide, I’m getting more opportunities to see and hear “no,” which I gotta say is very often done with grace. And it’s still not easy to receive. Processing rejection gracefully is work. But it’s worth it, so we can keep being friends.

More about “No.”

Both receiving and communicating “no” have their own challenges.

Receiving “No.”

Receiving “no” gracefully starts as a passive action (just don’t cause a scene), but then requires the active internal work of processing rejection. That’s big.

Metabolizing that moment is essential to not ruining the rest of your night.

Unless you’ve reached a permanent state of Enlightenment (Samadi), you will most likely need to process a pretty heavy feeling.

For me, that feeling usually manifests in the gut, just below my rib cage. Interestingly, that is the home of our third chakra, the home of personal power, confidence, self-esteem, and willpower. Having your desirability and viability challenged is particularly challenging for men. No matter how gay you think you are, as a man, you have been conditioned from birth to confront assaults on your power, confidence, and self-esteem. So it’s likely to elicit an aggressive reaction from your ego.

Love is the only way out of this. It allows you to respond from your higher self as opposed to reacting from your ego.

First, love yourself: remember you are a Spark of the Divine. You deserve care and attention. If you’re not receiving it from pretty boy X, no matter what your ego tells you, let it go. Get out your love radar instead. Where is the love, gurl? Follow the ping leading you to where the love is. That is most likely a friend who, trust me, will love commiserating with you about being shot down.

Second, and this is much harder, try to recognize and love the Spark of the Divine in the person who rejected you. I know it’s hard with pretty people, but try. He has his own path, and he’s exercising his agency, which, I hope, is what you would like to do as well.

Communicating “No.”

Communicating “no” requires you to love yourself enough to honor and implement your boundaries, while, at the same time, using as much empathy as possible to let your fellow gay down easy.

Keep your distance. When you want to fuck a guy, one way to show your interest is to stand unnecessarily close. It works. And, doing the opposite —keeping your distance —works just as well.

If you are in a group with him, like a naked game night or a group at the club, focus your attention on someone else. Make space between you and him. No touching. Turn your back. Go to the bathroom, the bar, or simply walk away.

Have things gotten a little handsy? Nonchalantly move his hand. Like you’re moving something out of the way for him. Oh, here, let me put that where it belongs. Do it with your eyes on his and he’ll get the message.

Phrases I’ve heard which allowed us both to keep our dignity are, “I’m good.” (after touching a guy on the dance floor), “I don’t like being touched.” (probably a lie, but made it his problem), and “I’m not here for that.”

Is he pushy? Is he an ass? Moving his hand with a slight crushing squeeze conveys the message. And, looking him directly in the eyes and saying, “I’m not into this; please move on.”

Exercise your agency, your ability to make a choice. Don’t expect him to read your mind. He may already be picking out cake toppers for your wedding cake. He may be too drunk or high. Or, he may be misreading your good nature as an invitation. When you get the vibe it’s time to move on, do it. Do not feel obligated to stay with anyone you’re not feeling it with.

And. Do NOT give him your phone number or social media account. Unless, of course, you’d like to string out the long good-bye for days, weeks, or months.

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