Day 20 - Issue 22
Genesis 32:26 NLT
Then the man said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking!”
Wrestling with God leaves its mark. Jacob walked with a limp. For me that limp is not visible externally but I carry it within. This limp is neither debilitating like a resentment nor cautionary reminding me to steer clear of God. However, I have talked with those who have fought with God and come out of the conflict angry, distrusting and suspicious of God. In such cases the wrestling is incomplete, for Jacob battled until the day was dawning. And it was God who identified that dawn was on the horizon. So the fight is always one with God at his own initiative for the benefit of my own self-awareness and understanding.
As I entered my darkness with Katey, I discovered this operated at many levels. The presenting issue was Katey’s MS and God’s apparent unwillingness to bring physical healing. Then, I realised my response to become her primary carer was as much about being seen to do the right thing as having anything to do with my abilities. My frustration and reaction to that role at times meant I reacted and made Katey’s experience worse rather than better. Who wants a carer who is more consumed with their own confusion than available to accompany me in mine? Saintly as ever, Katey didn’t complain. I also resented leaving my chosen career and had to make peace with my own selfish desire to find identity in my role within a public space. Caring is hidden from view, and very few want to hang around those handicapped with sickness and increased sadness. Isolated and incompetent, I was not a pretty sight.
I hung on in and eventually, having deconstructed much of my superficial faith, I was able to reconstruct it upon the substance of God experienced as much as God learned. As my faith came into focus once more and I recognised the reality of the surroundings as well as the purpose of my life on earth, God let me go. However, now more than ever I had a hunger and thirst for God and it was me who wanted to cling on tight. The night was over, but how might I live through the day?
QUESTION: Has fighting with God left you angry or hungry?
PRAYER: Lord, show me the light and the way.
