The Set Piece – 3.31 – Garra
If you happen to be a Liverpool fan, it's been a trying week. Manchester City survived the trap game of all trap games away against a scrappy Burnley squad by the slimmest of margins, then ran into Papa Messi who just happens to be Super Saiyan right now.
Pat does a welfare check on Mario and Devon to see if another season without a trophy will cause a slow descent into madness. And they all root for the pressure of the next few weeks to manifest in fans expelling bodily fluids.
While Liverpool and City play at high levels, the rest of the Top four continue to play hot potato. Tottenham’s Knight of the White Wall, Harry Kane, made an appearance pitchside to watch West Ham and Michael Antonio glide their dick and balls across Tottenham’s face like a passed out pledge at a Sig Eps kegger. Manchester United keeper, David De Gea, continues to stoke our body switch conspiracy by giving up a soft goal, allowing United and Chelsea to take one point from the clash.
In Merica, Wayne Rooney is back to scoring goals for DC United but Helen Wood had to bring up some old shit just when Coleen was starting to let him play video games on weeknights again. Wood, while shopping her latest book talks about an event she’s spent her whole career as a reality star trying to avoid, her threesome with Wayne in 2009. Wood discusses the fallout from that tryst that she’s been trying to avoid and totally not keep relevant.
In our European Whiparound, surprise, something’s going on at PSG. A team built by a 13 year old kid with a copy of FIFA18, a PS4 and his grandmother’s credit card are underperforming. This week, they lost the Coupe De France, Neymar in next year’s Champions League, Kylian Mbappe and to Montpelier in 7 days. All while being told to man up by a petulant Ney, who is most likely out for a bit of this season and next for applying the world’s softest chin check. There can only be two reasons for this drop off, they are either acting out in response to Thomas Tuchel’s contract extension, or Drake has been taking photos in a PSG turtleneck for the last couple weeks.
In WTF Bro? FIFA doesn’t care about black people and undercooked Brits continue to come for James McClean. Barcelona cult icon, ”The Observer” looks back on the moment that made him and Harry Kane continues to make miraculous recoveries from lower leg injuries but he’s definitely not being cloned or anything like that.
All that and more on The Set Piece, brought to you by steely bedroom gaze of Stepfan and the sexy sounds of Ronaldinho.
