How Bad Relationships Transform us and Open us up to Change with Arielle Ford
Marni welcomes Arielle Ford in the Life Check Yourself studio where they discuss love, betrayal, revenge and healing. Arielle Ford is a celebrated relationship and love expert; she has written over ten non-fiction books. For her most recent novel, The Love Thief, which is fiction, the author draws from real-life experiences to breathe life into her characters who find themselves in situations that mimic real life. The duo discusses why women fall for certain types of men and how these men get into their heads. How do these smart women end up getting hurt despite knowing better? What does it mean to feel the sting of betrayal? Most people have felt it but not everyone has drawn a lesson out of it. Sometimes it takes a few betrayals to get closer to differentiating between what is love and what isn’t. There is light at the end of the tunnel and that light will help guide you to the right one if you give yourself the chance.
Takeaways from this episode:
- Don’t Overlook the Red Flags
- Falling in love is like being on drugs
- How to come out the other side
- Don’t beat yourself up; learn
- Is love all you need?
- Love is a choice
Betrayal is Universal [10:40]
We’ve all done silly things in the name of love. And many of us have beaten ourselves up over not knowing better. But why is it that when someone shows who they are, we don’t believe them?
We’ve all either dated or heard of the toxic narcissist type. He’s smooth, he gets into your head, and he says and does all the right things…at first. What this type does though is target smart, beautiful and successful women. On the one hand, it could be taken as a compliment that he chose you – but regardless, run for the hills. And in the case where you don’t, here’s a little breakdown of that type.
How does he manage to get into our heads? Well, firstly this type of man doesn’t go for the average woman. He goes after the one that is constantly trying to make something of herself; the one who is independent and driven; and the one who gets satisfaction from her career. She is also the one that might crave a certain kind of love, the one who wants a partner who’ll whisper all the things she wants to hear into her ear, the one who longs for a partner who sees her, and the one who wants to be wined and dined.
And that’s exactly how he gets in the door. He plays the role of prince charming, and for a while, he does it well. But in the back of our head, we know that it feels too good to be true. But, by the time we’ve realized that it is in fact too good to be true, we’re already hooked.
Getting over heartbreak is harder than recovering from a cocaine addiction. It’s because of brain chemistry. And I like to call the state of being in love, the socially acceptable form of insanity.
When a person falls in love, their brain is on drugs; it’s on oxytocin, adrenaline and dopamine – all the feel-good hormones. And the person keeps craving more, just like an addict does. When that love is taken away from the person, they have no choice and end up going through a form of withdrawal. And that tends to happen with the toxic narcissist or most red-flag types.
That being said though, there is healing on the other side. And what’s more is that those who go through these kinds of betrayals are now armed with a tool: they can now tell the difference between what is love and what actually isn’t.
Did the Beatles Get it Wrong? [16:00]
All you need is love….but is it though?
This is the mantra of the new-agers. Growing up, we’ve been told that love is letting go of fear; that if you love someone, everything else falls into place. We’ve been exposed to this notion over and over again through the films, the songs, and the books we’ve consumed. But how true is it? Does love conquer all?
In a nutshell, love is not enough. We could love someone who is actually not a suitable partner for us. A lot of us have been through this where we’ve spent so much time in a relationship trying to fix the person or the situation, because we kept telling ourselves that we love them and that that’s all we need. And that it’s worth it. Even when we had an inkling that they may not actually be the one for us.
And yet we persisted, because we’ve been socialized into believing that love means everything and it solves everything.
However, the reality of it is that if we want to have a lasting, long-term relationship, then we need to be with someone we’re compatible with, someone we have a connection with, and who we have strong communication with. And more importantly, someone who shares our vision of the future.
How both partners envision their shared future is what they will both be working towards and building on. So, only having love without any of these other factors that ensure a successful relationship isn’t necessarily a good idea. Partners in a relationship need to be aligned on their vision in order for it to last and be healthy.
All You Need is Love is this myth that keeps women in relationships that aren’t good for them.
It’s a harsh truth. But in reality, when someone’s been in a long relationship, there will be days when they can’t stand their partner, where they almost hate them. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love them. Most people haven’t completely grasped what love means. They think love is a feeling.
Love is a behavior. It’s a choice, it’s a decision, it’s an action, and it’s a way of being.
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